Sinraptor, Destroyer of the Universe

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The sinraptor is one of the most badass dinosaurs to ever walk the planet earth. This is coming from the guy who thinks every dinosaur he sees is the coolest thing ever. The sinraptor currently blows all those other dinosaurs out of the 5 bazillion year old water he is so cool. To start the sinraptor is a genus of the theropod dinosaur from the late Jurassic period. Let me distinguish this right away, typically little 7 year old snot heads who know nothing about dinosaurs think the velociraptor is the coolest dino and they are dead wrong. The sinraptor is so cool he isn’t even related to the snot head favorite. Instead he decided to smash his own dino ho’s and create his own category, raptors that destroy worlds.PicsArt_08-14-09.59.17.jpg

The Sinraptor stood around 9.8 feet tall and as you can see gave zero shits about everything. The Sinraptor is well known to wear poorly drawn sunglasses indoors and smoke some poorly drawn blunts wherever he felt like smoking them. It is also commonly known that the Sinraptor smashes anyones girl, and no this isn’t a “poorly drawn” girl, this is real and most likely your girl. I’d text her right now to make sure she can still walk straight after a round with this badass. The sinraptor has long fangs he uses for biting into the souls of whichever victim he feels like eating. When he bites into you he learns all your fears, hopes, and any other emotions he wishes to acquire. And if this badass feels a little lazy, instead of hunting for his pray, he could go steal some eggs and chow down on some baby dinos because you know what? No ones gonna stop him. The sinraptor lives in the woodlands of china and he is the reason the woods are called the woods. He was so big downstairs they decided to name his home after that feat. You may be asking yourself, “alright the sinraptor sounds like a badass, but how is he also a destroyer of worlds?” Well thats a darn stupid question to ask. sinraptor-size.jpg

Look at this tall motherfucker!! One second you’re minding your own business and the next this tall, fast monster is throwing down a vicious slam that ends your career. Legend has it the sinraptor dunked so hard that an earthquake broke out around the world after one of his vicious windmill dunks. When this big boy gets running, rumor has it he reaches speeds upwards to 73 mph.. His max vertical is also around 94 inches, putting shame to Lebrons 40 inch vertical. 295519278-6e8227938a-jpg.jpg

If this frightening image didn’t make you soil your underpants I don’t know what will. This is an actual image from prehistoric time of the sinraptor dunking on some poor fool way below him. It is said that one sinraptor flew so high on one of his dunks he grabbed a commit heading away from earth and dunked on the whole planet leading to mass extinction.

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Pterodaustro the Weenie Bird

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Take a second and imagine the biggest, loser, weenie, scaredy cat, nerd, lives with his mother at age 45, bird dinosaur you can think of. The pterodaustro is probably the pink hued weenie you think of. The pterodaustro is very closely related to the south American bird known as the flamingo. I don’t know about you but I hate flamingos with all of my heart and then some, why are you pink? Why do you look like such a pea brain nerd? Its like you just want someone to kick your butt. Flamingos are dumb and it shouldn’t surprise anyone the pterodaustro is the granddad of such a stupid pink bird. Based on its thousands of bristle like teeth the pterodaustro dipped its beak into water and ate plankton and other tiny aquatic creatures. Sadly for the pterodaustro his almost cool beak is incredibly off centered, its how pterodaustros are born. To correct this, pterodaustros are forced to wear very large ugly braces until they are around 16 years old. Thanks to this and their obnoxious stupid pink hue, other dinosaurs pick on them very frequently. Screen Shot 2016-04-20 at 9.24.37 AM.png

As you can see a pterodaustro commonly bends over in a very vulnerable position to be picked on by other bully dinosaurs, while he is searching for food. While he is bent over the pterodaustro normally closes his eyes because he doesn’t like “killing” plankton as he eats them. With his eyes closed he is incredibly vulnerable. A large T-flex might sneak up behind him and give him a massive wedgie, or if the T-flex is feeling especially sinister it might give the pterodaustro a massive brown claw sticking his claw approximately 27 inches up his butt.The pterodaustro will cry out in pain then prompting the t-flex to force the pterodaustro to complement the T-flexs douchebag muscle shirt. While wading the pterodaustro never vowed out past shallow waters. Thats how big of a weenie the pterodaustro is, its afraid of big scary water monsters so he stays in shallow waters taking and sometimes enjoying the brown claws as they come. image007.jpg

As you can see the pterodaustros wings are incredibly weak and sad. It really makes you question if a pterodaustro knows what a gym is. The pterodaustro is the type of dude to fly 30 yards, get tired and stop at the local Starbucks, for a quick quote on quote “fuel up.” Now if that doesn’t make you want to beat up this sissy bird I don’t know what will. I’ll add on that the pterodaustro waits approximately 33 minutes for his coffee to cool down EVERY TIME. The pterodaustro isn’t even a smart bird. You’d think with how much of a loser he is he might AT LEAST be smart but nooo the pterodaustro is quite stupid as well. For example instead of using his large jaw with many big bristle like teeth as a weapon to thwart off brown claws but nope instead he ends up hurting himself because of his large braces. In fact as I write this article on Pterodaustros my mood has dropped. I went from being in a great mood to a bad mood. I’m angry now, I’m part tempted to drive down to the local zoo and beat up a bunch of flamingos. Pterodaustros are honestly just a horrible disgrace to dinosaurs everywhere and I hope you don’t judge dinosaurs based on this loser.

Dimetrodon the Football Fanatic

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Before there were humans, before there were mammoths and sabertooth tigers, before there were dinosaurs… There were prehistoric reptiles known as pelycosaurs. These thick skulled beasts roamed the earth 5o million years before the first forms of dinosaurs evolved.The dimetrodon (dime-tro-dawn) was classified as one of these monsters. In fact the dimetrodon was more closely related to a mammal than a dinosaur. The most distinctive feature on this fearsome scrappy beast was its sail. Dimetrodon8DB.jpg

This sail normally depicted many different patterns and the cold blooded beast used his sail to 1.) Look like a badass lizard monster 2.) to regulate its temperature and 3.) Show off to all the chicks so he could slay some lizard poon. It is thought that male dimetrodons were larger then females so the larger the sail the more lizards a dude dimetrodon could get. Typically these beasts roamed around in what is now modern day Texas and Oklahoma! Screen Shot 2016-04-08 at 3.07.58 PM.png

Dimetrodons are diehard football fans, whatever region they are born in they will represent that team to their extinction (lol.) The heated Texas Longhorn vs Oklahoma Sooner rivalry has been under the microscope for years. In fact when Texas won the rivalry game last year all the male dimetrodons from Oklahoma burnt down their neighborhood Texas Roadhouse. When asked why they burnt down the restaurant Dave the dimetrodon responded with, “all them cocky Texas folk think they sails be quite the biggen. Well shucks we just burnt down they restaurant! This loss dun be a disgrace to Oklahomey football, our boys dun be back with a vengeance, you can count on that!” Little did Dave realize his state spent many hardworking dimetrodons from Oklahoma tax money on that Texas Roadhouse. Dimetrodons aren’t the fastest species, they genetically can’t move fast because of the locked in position of their limbs. Thanks to that, Dimetrodons typically sit around their house sipping beer and watching football. When their wife annoys them enough to take out the trash the dimetrodon flees to the dimetrodon cave. The dimetrodon cave is a hangout bar where all the dimetrodons come to watch the big game or to relax after a long day at work. cave_lizard_by_legat1992-d48unnk.jpg

The dimetrodon cave is a great hangout cave but unfortunately sometimes thug youngin dimetrodons come and crash the party. These group of rascals normally travel in packs and love crashing “old geezers” parties. Typically these dimetrodons are just in search of money so they can go buy skateboards, gum balls, and yo-yo’s. Imagine seeing a group of these bad boys rolling into your local cave. Dimetrodon_551.pngThey normally give a few older dimetrodons wedgies, demand money, and then give the bartender a wet-willy.

All in all dimetrodons are a trailblazing species. They roamed the prehistoric earth before T-Rexs and other noteworthy dinosaurs! Plus they also have a really badass sail on their back.

 

Achillobator, the Giant Angry Walking Bird

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The Achillobator (Ak-ilo-bay-tor) or the giant angry walking bird is a really mean dinosaur. Before I tell you about the interesting facts I must inform you about this graceful monster that dwelled in what is now central Asia (Mongolia). First and foremost the most fearsome of the giant angry walking birds could weigh up to a thousand pounds and be as long as 20 feet! Now that’s a really badass raptor! The giant angry walking birds most deadly weapon was located on its second toe in the form of a shank. Dang imagine getting a heckin hard Chuck Norris roundhouse kick from one of those sharp sneaky devils, OUCH!  Yes the Achillobator was a raptor but he was far different from his other raptor peers like the velociraptor and the deinonychus, the Achillobator had a very weird hip alignment that many scientists believed to be an entirely new dinosaur species! achil2.JPGThe Achillobator’s pelvis shows primitive lizard like characteristics compared to other dromeosaurids. (For more info on the pelvis see http://carnivoraforum.com/search/128/?c=3&mid=3323712&month=1&year=2012 ). To top it off the achillobator is the granddaddy of all modern birds. Thanks to the Achillobator’s oddly shaped pelvis, it could harbor a humongous set of balls. The girth of them is purely remarkable, it is said to be able to house up to 4 gallons of reproduction spray. It sounds like the giant angry walking bird is the granddaddy of all birds for a reason. Well thats right, imagine walking into the club and seeing this ginormous monster smacking your girls ass.raptorwow.jpgWhat are you gonna do? Probably nothing. The Achillobator will come into the club steal yo girl, take her to pound town, and then karate kick you in the neck. BOOM, you just got achillobated its not like you just got smacked like your girls ass, its more like bang you dead as hell bruh. You better think twice before you take your girl to a club, the achillobator or (masterbator) will take yo girl. It is believed that the stealyogirl-bator has populated 55% of birds we see in the sky today. Talk about being the granddaddy of them all! Think of really cool animals alive today; eagles, lions, rhinos, tigers, etc. images.jpeg

Boom, the achillobator made the normal school bully seem like a little girl who peed herself. If the achillobator’s head is that big can you imagine how big he is downstairs? Have you seen his feathery tail too? Guess what he uses that for? Wiping off your tears as he smashes your girl and then he brown claws her with his feathery tail. No pal, those aren’t tears of sadness, those our tears of pure pleasure and pain.Unknown-1.jpegYeah this dinosaur is really a badass and basically the bird kind of raw sex appeal.

 

The Achelousaurus (akelo-saurus)

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The Achelousaurus A.K.A. the scary triceratops is an intimidating dinosaur that roamed the ancient earth in what is now modern day Compton.The Achelousaurus typically wears lots of raider gear, with chains, afros, and cornrows. The scary triceratops roams the streets of Compton looking for weaker dinosaurs to pick on. Once he spotted one of these dinosaurs he would viciously (normally in a gang) beat up the weaker dinosaur and then force him to buy his drugs. Normally once the weak dinosaur bought these drugs he would become addicted and come back to the achelousaurus for more. The achelousaurus would sell these drugs at very high prices to weakling dinosaurs for dinosaur money, sounds pretty foolproof right? Well unfortunately the scary triceratops all wanted in on this and rival Achelousaurus gangs sprouted.  When these rivalries sparked, lots of really good dinosaur raps came out which typically started dino beefs. “Yo dog your hoofs look a little dirty, yo mama gave me a little suck and i only payed thirty, i thought she was prude but she came on real flirty, hey there cool diggy dog, your D will fit in my hole like a groundhog, oh please baby can we go a little longer? Sorry lil mama but i just threw your sons career through the floor.” Is the verse cool diggy dog spit that ended lil tops career. As you can see Achelousaurus’s don’t show any mercy to each other, not even enemies mothers. The Achelousaurus really likes to pick on the queef aaradonyx because he knows that he is a really easy target considering that he is the earth claw. He is the one that usually gives the aaradonyx the brown claws. If you look above you can see that the Achelousaurus has a ginormous hoof. Somehow he fits his whole hoof into the Aaradonyx. Whats funny is while he is brown clawing him he makes him smoke the drugs he gave him and also makes the aaradonyx call him daddy. Now you really know that the Achelousaurus  is the cool one, and the aaradonyx sucks big pp.The scary triceratops is truly a great dinosaur.

 

(help from Dinos are the best)

The Aardonyx

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The Aaradonyx is a herbivore who is also a little queer native to the woodlands of southern Africa… The Aaradonyx enjoys math, ignoring the weight room, and consuming large amounts of shrooms before having a debate regarding the new star wars movie. The Aaradonyx also forgets to shave frequently and wears his beloved math team sweater for weeks or months at a time (without washing it). Sadly the Aaradonyx is bullied all the time, by his peers, his siblings, his teachers, his parents, even his grandparents get in on a little brown claw (puts claw in butthole). Aaradonyx is greek for earth claw, so on top of having a disgraceful appearance the Aaradonyx also has a humiliating name. You think at least in his humiliating life he could have a cool name but no.. “Hey earth claw! Did you just blow in from nerd town? Benny the demon claw lady killer said.”Just to put the finishing touches on a relatively disgraceful dinosaur the Aaradonyx has an awful mullet that is scientifically proven to repel attractive dinosaurs. In fact the mullet also attracts larger male dinosaurs and encourages them to wet willy, brown claw, or even noogie him. The Aaradonyx finds reasons to live though, in fact the Aaradonyx’s life revolves around math. He joined a math club with a bunch of other loser dinosaurs and they all love ugly hair and odd lip piercings. In a world so harsh in judgement the Aaradonyx feels comfortable in an environment of loser dinos. He believes if he does enough math problems and gains enough knowledge his brute peers will respect him. Sadly for him no one likes a queef nerd whose name means earth claw.

Tyrannosaurus Flex

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Above is an attachment to one of the most feared dinosaurs of all time. The Tyrannosaurus Flex A.K.A the T-Flex, lived in the stone age and poached off of smaller nerdier dinosaurs lunch money. With this lunch money T-Flex could buy all the skateboards, backwards hats, and obey shirts he wanted. The T-Flex is not pleased with just Obey shirts, skateboards, and backwards hats, he needs a hint of danger in his life. The T-Flex buys lollipops to eat while he skateboards to intimidate all the other dinosaurs. The T-Flex also dislikes the dinosaur police as he believes they don’t treat the T-Flex race correctly. T-Flex’s on average murder 20,000 dinosaur police a year. T-Flex’s commonly associate with pdactles (a post will highlight them soon) and pick on the local nerd dinosaur.